Deep Thoughts About My Television?

Ever have someone offer you something that everyone is psyched about and you’re like “meh”? That’s happening today.

I have a weird living situation for a woman my age, so just go with me here. The IT department wants to come over to my apartment (I live where I work) and hook up a DVR. My co-worker runs over from her office across the hall after reading the e-mail and is super excited. I could super care less. Then I start wondering, am I weird to not care about this thing that everyone seems to think is such a life staple? Or are they the weird ones for caring so much about their TV viewing?

Don’t get me wrong – I love my TV. Looooooove it. I put on a TV even if I’m not watching it, just for background noise the way most people put on the radio. Music is not a big deal to me but the TV is essential. And there is always SOMETHING on that I am willing to watch. Except Riverdance when it’s on PBS and that Intervention show. My husband will flip through channels almost every night and proclaim that there is nothing on. I don’t understand how with our basic cable line up of practically everything, he can say this. I can never NOT find something. But as much as I love TV, I’m not willing to pay for extra stuff on it. That basic cable? Part of my housing (don’t hate). If it wasn’t, I’m pretty sure I’d be watching only NBC, ABC, CBS, PBS and Fox, and be perfectly happy with it. So I don’t get making time in my life for shows that I missed. There’s always something else I could be doing or watching. Missed Duck Dynasty? That sucks but oh look! Flea Market Flip! And the argument that I can pause live TV while I take a potty break? BFD. I don’t recall one time in my entire life where my soul was crushed by missing one minute of anything.

For as much as I love watching TV, I feel like I SHOULD want a free DVR, but I really could care less. In fact, I don’t even know if its possible to hook it up with all the husband has going on in his Tower of A/V Power. If some technician comes in and hooks it up in a way that’s not like the rest of the mess, I’ll here about it until the End of Days. END OF DAYS, PEOPLE.

For the record, I don’t even understand what I’m looking at in this picture, all I know is that one dust bunny out of place and heads will roll.

The Couch of My Dreams: I Has It

I have a long history of couches, and couch mistakes. Every few years I make a bad decision about a couch.

It seems you are supposed to take this couch shopping stuff seriously and only do it once in your lifetime. At least that’s the feeling I got when I decided it was time to get rid of the Evil Couch that had been residing in my apartment for several years. “Another new couch? There’s nothing wrong with the one you have. Or the one you had before that.” I have had perfectly good reasons (no really!) for replacing my couches. Seriously, I have. For instance, the Evil Couch (aka Vortex of Evil) came to us brand new from Ashley Furniture – with fleas. We got that problem taken care of but I have never forgiven it. It had other issues that bothered me too but we really started off on the wrong foot. I had been dying to replace it but I didn’t want another couch mistake. I wanted something AWESOME. And although the jury is still out with my husband, I’m pretty confident that I now have The Awesome. And it is named Comfy Sack.

Yes, I have a 7 1/2 foot long oblong bean bag for a couch now. Except its NOT a bean bag. It’s filled with little pieces of memory foam-type goodness that cushion you when you run and jump into it. Which you would, if you had one. I’ve had it for a few weeks now and I feel qualified enough to say I love it. There are some challenges, like getting out of it and what to do with my coffee table, but I’ll adjust.

I looked at two other companies before finding these guys. I won’t tell you who, but one seemed to have flimsy stuff and one was wicked expensive. When I saw the CS version with the big oval and matching ottoman I knew I found what I needed. I chose a plush cover and waited. And waited. That was the hard part, you wait 7-10 days. The CS shows up all squished and vacuum sealed in as small a box as possible, but it was still too big to fit in my Geo. My post office folks loooove the crazy shit I order online. At least once I got it home I was able to roll the box up the stairs and not worry about breaking anything (it is 75 pounds). I had to rip the box off of it and as soon as I did it came alive!

Directions say to beat it up. Kick it, punch it, break up the chunks of foam and let it air for a few days (when you aren’t sitting on it) so it can fully expand before putting on the cover. I think mine was pretty full that day, but it did get a little puffier overnight. The cover was amazingly easy to get on, even once fully expanded.

I did order a roll pillow but my husband liberated it for his recliner so I have two other pillows around if I want some outside support. I’m really the only one who sits on my couch, so I figured it was about time to get exactly what I wanted, no matter how silly. Good for sitting, napping, general lounging, one person or two. Maybe more, but its just us here. I imagine if I had a dog I would have to fight him for it. In any case, it makes me happy every time I come home and see The Bean. This might finally be the one.

You are Not a Trained Monkey. Stop Interviewing Like One.

Today, I dashed the hopes of someone who believed that following all the standard career service advice would get them a job. Folks, it’s a crapshoot. What impresses one hiring supervisor might piss off another. Just be yourself and at least then if you get the job, you know they hired you for you and not the carefully trained monkey you were trying to be.

I’m not saying it’s a waste of time to learn how to put together a good resume and proofread your cover letter, and learn things like don’t go to an interview drunk or dressed like a hooker. But most job-seeking advice overlooks one really important aspect of the process: the dude (or dudes) making the actual hiring decision. Job candidates seem to think that those of us who make hiring decisions are looking for and responding to the same things, in the same ways. That we are always in sync with what your career advisers are saying we want. We are the crazy variables that you cannot account for.

Example: I might love the candidate that came to the interview with a list of questions about where I work because I see they took the time to learn about us, and they want to know more. The other person interviewing might write them off because they wore a plain shirt and khakis instead of a suit, which to them indicates they aren’t serious about the job and/or aren’t professional. You are probably thinking, maybe a candidate should do both (as well as all the other little nuggets of interviewing wisdom out there). Then we get someone trying so hard to follow this mental checklist of candidate perfection that their personality doesn’t shine through and we think they have the soul of a bucket of dirt. Who wants to work with a bucket of dirt? Too much personality showing through? That’s either awesome if you connect with someone on your same wavelength or OHMYGOD, how could I stand to work with them!

What prompted all this today was a question about a phone interview a friend is going to do (or has done by now), and what kind of phone interview questions could be expected. As usual when she comes to me with job search advice, I was little help because I don’t believe in black and white answers to any of this. Even in one profession, each company will still have varying levels of standards, timelines, and interference from Human Resources. Some places are given a set of HR-approved questions to ask, others get to ask whatever they want (within legal reason). Some like the suit, some like the energy, some like your nose piercing, some like that you come from East Bejeezuzus Louisiana. There’s no way to tell.

I’m not saying to go into an interview not giving a shit, but to a certain extent, you have to not give a shit in order to relax and get your point across that you are the person for the job. Don’t try to be all things to all people, be yourself. Because living a lie that you are someone you are not will get exhausting real quick, not to mention disappointing for the people who hired you when you give up and let the freak flag fly.

Postscript after thinking about this a little more: Further reason to not interview like a monkey is that no one is going to hire someone who flings poo. Unless someone is hiring for poo flinging and if so, sign me up because I can sling some serious bullshit.

Two Ingredient Pancakes

I know, I know, you are thinking water and instant pancake mix are the two ingredients (smartass). WRONG! These babies are healthy and low carb. Per one serving you are only using one egg and one banana. That’s it! I also add cinnamon and walnuts but that’s just me.

I saw this on Pinterest and thought it would be a good thing to try to satisfy my love of pancakes and waffles without all the empty carbs. I didn’t really think it would be any good but it (shockingly) was.

Yup, just mash one banana and beat with one egg. This is a good way to use the ones that are getting bruised and overripe. I happened to have a good mashing tool but a fork will do the job too. The result is not overly attractive and thin, but don’t be discouraged.

Get your griddle nice and hot, grease REALLY well. Eggs stick. I use ghee (clarified butter) because I love the taste when I’m baking with it, but use whatever you normally grease a pan with. The pancakes take slightly longer to cook than regular ones, and the sides won’t necessarily look “dry” so be sure to lift an edge once in a while until they are the color you like them.

Flipping is tricky, because they are slippery little effers. Make your pancakes SMALL. My first try, I just dumped it all into the middle of the pan. There was no way I was going to be able to flip that and I ate it in pieces. It was delicious but I learned my lesson. I only get the flipper under halfway before it slides so patiently lift and quickly flip over.

The end result is sweet banana pancake goodness. I don’t even need butter or syrup for flavoring. They are not fat and fluffy, but still delicious and worth trying.

The Three Day Diet Skeptic

I’m going to try the Three Day Diet, aka the Military Diet, aka the Cardiac Diet. And if I’m going to do something as dumb as trying a fad diet, of course I’ll blog it for you. I’ve never done a fad diet by the way. I don’t believe anything is going to help you besides a full-on change in how you feel about eating and fitness permanently.

My boss mentioned this diet that she was on the other day and said she’d lost over 30 pounds using it on and off (with regular exercise). I thought it sounded weird because it seems very rigid and restrictive but also wondered if it would help jump start me back on the healthy eating and fitness path. I was at my ideal weight and fitness level @5 years ago and got lazy so now I’m having a hard time finding the motivation to get back where I was. I thought about looking it up and then promptly forgot all about it. Later that evening as I was looking at food porn on Pinterest, this diet pops up and I took it as a sign that maybe I should check it out, just for kicks. I mean, being miserable for three days to test this supposedly proven diet (although proven by what entity the blogs never say) isn’t going to kill me. Right? Maybe just make me want to die.

So I read a few blogs that discuss this diet and I won’t link to any of them here because they are easy to search for and basically say the exact same thing, almost word for word. I wish people would actually write about their experiences rather than just copying a blog entry into theirs for the sake of making some imaginary blogging quota or whatnot. I digress. Sorry, that’s anther rant for another day. I got my list of meals together and picked it all up at the last Wal-Mart run. It’s nothing I wouldn’t eat anyway, just rather small amounts and substitutions are not allowed (or heavily frowned upon if you want this to work). You follow these meals for three days and supposedly they are the right amounts and ingredients to get your metabolism going and start burning off fat. Sounds like a crazy chemical reaction of explosive awesomeness but I’m neither a chemist nor a dietitian. Then you eat like a normal healthy person (maybe those two words don’t go together) for the other four days and you try it all over again the next week until you are satisfied with your weight loss. Detractors claim that you are only losing water weight, not fat. Also, there is the peril of putting the weight right back on after you stop this insanity. My personal goal is to drop @5 pounds with the diet which will motivate me to keep on the healthy eating track, get me back at the gym, fit into my clothes better and I will then lose my additional 10 pounds by changing my lifestyle back to how it was before I let things slide. You can’t just lose weight. You have to be more conscious of what goes into your body and you have to get fit so you have the muscle tone to haul your ass around. I know this, really I do. I was at my healthiest when I was eating a low carb diet because I have migraines that are often triggered by sugar/refined carbs and working out regularly. I think I just got lazy and failed to maintain once I had lost all the weight I wanted – losing weight wasn’t even the plan, stopping the migraines was! In my opinion, if you want a “diet” that works, go Low Glycemic Index.

But here we are, with a three day plan, to see what happens. Here’s what I’m eating today:

Day One Breakfast: 1/2 a grapefruit, one piece of bread or toast, 2 tablespoons peanut butter and a cup of tea or coffee. (Not bad, about the amount I would normally eat, but who the hell has only 1/2 a grapefruit? Annoying, but I’ll play along. And there’s no mention for coffee drinkers if they can have milk in it but I think Splenda is your only approved sweetener.)

Day One Lunch: 1/2 cup of tuna, one piece of bread or toast and a cup of tea or coffee. (Hm, now I don’t get any peanut butter to put on my bread and I wish I could have some fruit, but I squished a 5oz can of tuna into my 1/2 measuring cup so huzzah! Seriously – I’m not setting aside 1 ounce of tuna for Thursday. I’ve probably ruined everything now.)

Day One Dinner: 3 ounces of any type of meat, 1 cup of green beans, 1/2 banana, 1 small apple, and 1 cup of vanilla ice cream. (That’s just a weird combination of stuff, and I don’t understand how vanilla ice cream comes in here, but at least I get some fruits and veggies. I may be a rebel and eat an entire small banana though.)

I’m going to share some numbers with you now, which might make you hate me. See I’m not exactly overweight or anything, just not where I want to be. I’m only posting this so we can track what progress (if any) I make. I weighed myself today @11:30am on Day One, and I will weigh myself on the morning of Day Four as well as next Monday to see if anything I lost came right back. I don’t expect to lose a lot (people advertise up to 10 pounds in three days) because I don’t have a lot to lose in the first place. This morning I weigh 130.5 pounds. I’m 5′ 2″ and have obtained the “spare tire” and the dreaded thigh cellulite – I refuse to accept these things as part of middle age.

I’m going to post this on Day One and try to update as something interesting happens, rather than saving this as a draft. Otherwise, I’m afraid it will end up in the Land of Lost Drafts and I’ll never get around to finishing it. But first, here’s what I’ll be eating for the other two days.

Day Two Breakfast: 1 egg, 1 piece of bread or toast, and 1/2 banana. (Notice no more coffee or tea, and they never mention if I can butter my bread…)

Day Two Lunch: 1 cup of cottage cheese or 2 ounces of cheddar cheese, 1 hard boiled egg, and 5 saltine crackers. (Which makes me think I’ll be feeling nauseous by this time?)

Day Two Dinner: 2 hot dogs (no buns or ketchup, mustard ok), 1 cup of broccoli, 1/2 cup of carrots, 1/2 banana, and 1/2 cup of vanilla ice cream. (What is with all this 1/2 banana bullshit???)

By the way, I also read somewhere that you can drink as much water as you want, and should ideally drink (in ounces) half the number you weigh (in pounds). If you are a heavy water drinker, please chime in here: If I drink 65 ounces of water per day, I will be very unproductive at work because I’ll be getting up to pee every 15 minutes. Does your body adjust to that over time or would I always be running to a bathroom. I can’t live like that; life is too short to spend that much of it in a bathroom.

Day Three Breakfast: 5 saltine crackers, 2 ounces of cheddar cheese, and 1 small apple. (I think this is the suckiest “meal” of the entire diet.)

Day Three Lunch: 1 hard-boiled egg, and 1 slice of bread or toast. (Ok, I lied, this is worse than breakfast.)

Day Three Dinner: 1 cup of tuna, 1/2 of a banana, and 1 cup of vanilla ice cream. (At least I get a whole cup of ice cream again.)

DAY TWO UPDATE!!!

I’m writing this @24 hours after the above section. Here’s what I am thinking so far:

• I’m hungry.
• I’m not very good at food measuring.
• I miss snacking – I prefer “grazing” to three big meals a day (not that these are big).
• I find myself thinking about what I’d like to grab to eat and then have to remind myself no – you aren’t really eating today.
• I don’t see how someone who cooks for others could stand this. Kids and needy spouses would have to fend for themselves for a few days.
• DON’T look at Pinterest, unless you are looking specifically at sections that have nothing to do with food. As if such a section actually exists on Pinterest.
• I wish it would be explained WHAT in each of these foods is so important, so I could make logical substitutions if I needed. For example, ice cream doesn’t usually agree with me but frozen Greek yogurt and I get along just fine. Will that ruin everything?
• Where is this diet “proven” other than andecdotal evidence?
• My Dr. would probably kill me if she knew I was trying this.
• I’m fucking hungry.

That’s my sad lunch from Day Two that I am currently “enjoying”.

HOLY SHIT YA’LL IT’S DAY THREE!!!

That’s right, another 24 hours have gone by and I haven’t gnawed off my foot in desperation. Because my foot’s not on the PLAN. I’m still hungrier than a mo-fo but other than that, I feel fine. Other people have experienced headaches, dizziness, weakness…just from being around me (bada-ba ching!). Seriously, I feel good, just hungry. I haven’t had to restrict my normal activities (which pretty much includes lying on a couch watching TV after work, unless I ride my bike to run errands.) And lunch is coming up – the best lunch of the WHOLE experience! Yes, I can’t wait to savor that hard boiled egg and piece of bread. FML. But after that it gets better because I can be normal again, and eat all the fruit I currently have going to rot in my fridge waiting for me. I will say though that last night I actually felt like I had enough to eat for dinner. However, it’s really REALLY hard to eat an entire cup of broccoli when you don’t care for it to begin with and now you can’t dump cheese on it to make it palatable. Plus now I have a shitload of leftover broccoli that I don’t ever want to eat.

BTW – I was a rebel this morning and had SIX crackers instead of five. I’m sure I’ve ruined everything now.

THE BIG REVEAL – IT’S DAY FOUR!!!

Hey, I get to eat again! But you don’t care. You only want to know if I’ve lost any weight. So using the same scale at the same time of day, even wearing similar clothes and the same shoes I can tell you that I now weigh…

129

Hm. Did you expect something more epic? I guess I really didn’t. I weigh 1.5 pounds lighter on Thursday than I did on Monday. And that doesn’t seem like so much that it can’t be explained by normal weight fluctuations. I will try to eat mostly healthy for the rest of the week (although I do like my movie popcorn and I’ll never pass up the offer of a doughnut) and we’ll see what I weigh next Monday. My thoughts on this:

• Was it worth it to be hungry all the time? I’m not sure. But I did come to realize that I could still get up and move about and be productive even if I was starving. The world didn’t stop turning and I didn’t get the migraine I was expecting.
• This is probably much harder for people who drink a lot of caffeine because after the first day it’s a no-no on most lists I’ve seen. That might be a deal breaker for some.
• On the plus side, I’ve been able to increase my water intake greatly and I’m sure my body would appreciate if I kept that up.
• Will I try this again? Maybe? I really don’t know what I think at this point. I’d probably be all over it if I’d lost 5 pounds.
• I DO feel lighter and more full of energy the past two days which isn’t usual for me. I would guess it’s the lack of sugar? And it’s nice to not feel all bloated when you eat way more than you need.
• My digestive system was definitely happier with me – with the exception of the 5:30am call of protest I got from my stomach about eating ice cream that first night. I can tell a difference right now, after eating a good-sized salad for lunch. Smaller surely is better, but I would have smaller more than three times a day.

One Week Later…

I weighed myself two hours late (sorry, I slept in and had breakfast at noon) and right now the scale says 128.5. I’ve been trying to eat in healthy ways that makes sense for me, and I must say that diet helped me squash some sugar cravings. All in all it is helping me make better choices and I do feel I have more energy.

You’re Welcome

Here I am, just minding my own business making the Wal-Mart list, when I get this sage advice from the recliner:

“By the way, don’t ever use your scrubby glove to scrub your private parts. It takes off skin.”

W.
T.
F.

“I don’t even know where to begin responding to that. Are we talking about the scrubby glove I use to wash my face?”

“I guess.”

Annnnnd let me add new scrubby glove to the Wal-Mart list…

Istanbul Pt. 4: Shopping

I finally can find time to wrap up the Istanbul adventure! Today we shop!

So…shopping in Istanbul was a challenge for me because more than anything, I hate bargaining. HATE IT. And in most of the world, bargaining is a national pastime. This was painful for me – my first instinct is always to look for prices and walk away when I don’t see any. Here’s the advice I always get about bargaining: it’s a deal if you think it’s a deal. If you are happy with the price you paid, that’s what matters. I call bullshit. If I buy something and then I see the same things being sold for less in the next aisle, I am pissed and my purchase suddenly feels wasteful. So this was hard. I had to keep telling myself that my travel money was for spending and I didn’t have the storage space to carry a ton of stuff home anyway, so not to take shopping too seriously. Realistically, I needed nothing anyway as photos are my real souvenirs.

I’ve already mentioned elsewhere that everyone I bought from hates making change with a passion, so small bills are a must. Especially in the markets but I found even in brick and mortar stores, cash registers were rarely used and change is made from what was in a guys pockets, if change was made at all. I spent a lot of my days saying “yok, yok, teshekkür” (no, no thank you) as I walked by stores, tables, restaurants, market stalls…the restaurant guys are especially obnoxious. The Grand Bazaar and Spice Bazaar were equally crowded and exhausting, although the Spice Bazaar is much easier to navigate. The Grand Bazaar is like a rat maze and very disorienting; goes from very organized, upscale jewelry stores to twisting, smoke filled tunnels of jeans and knockoff purses. You get lost and when you eventually practically fall outside into sunshine, there’s no telling where you are.

I read a lot about Istikal Street and how it’s the place to see and be seen. It’s in what people call the “new” Istanbul. Eh. Not impressed. Just any other big shopping street in any city, nothing special. The cool part of Istikal is actually the little side streets and alleys running off it. In one, I stumbled upon tables and tables lining the walkway with cotton shirts for 5tl. Yeah, that’s like 3 bucks. You know your favorite cotton shirt that is so soft and awesome? Probably made in Turkey. I controlled myself and only bought two shirts but for such a good deal I admit I had a hard time finding some without too much bling. Europeans seem to really like their shiny crap. Sequins and rhinestones on everything. I found a cute one with a minimum of bling:

. (Yah, I’ll fix that sideways thing going on later, sorry.)

The picture of the Koska storefront in the beginning is because I loved that store. Koska has great Turkish Delight (boxed and fresh) and fantastic prices, and lots of other Turkish specialty items and you don’t have to bargain with any damn one. Free samples of goodies too. I tasted a lot in there, I bought a lot in there. One word of shopping caution though: don’t buy meat as you probably won’t get it past custome I the USA. . Okay two words of caution: it is illegal to buy counterfeit bags as well, so…don’t buy a shit ton for all your friends back home. That said, if you have just one little red patent leather fake LV wallet you got on the street for 20tl and you love it and you are actually using like a wallet, you should be fine. I didn’t say that though. I’m just supposing.

What I was looking for before the trip I never found: a clue as to how much I would be paying for things, and what I should expect to pay. Because of that, I really had more money with me than I needed. So I bring to you a list of what I bought and what I paid. Can’t tell you if they are the best deals, but I feel pretty okay about them. Maybe they will help give you and idea if you are traveling there. All prices are in Turkish Lira (tl).

Dinner: 7-25tl average
Glass evil eyes: 1tl each
Soap: 4-5tl
Metal earrings: 1-2tl (sold on a board outside almost every shop)
Gemstone & gold plate earrings: 10tl
“Pashmina” scarves: 5-20tl (I paid 35tl for two soft ones off Istikal, other places in the bazaars are cheaper but I got the patterns I loved.)
Dondurma ice cream: 3tl
Bracelets: 1-15tl for a variety of styles and materials, you can get cheap 1tl ones everywhere with glass beads.
4 brass dancing cymbals (2 for each hand): 15tl
Ceramic Iznik tiles: 3tl for 2 is the cheapest I found, along the rail line by the exit to the Cistern. Real Iznik tiles are made with ground quartz and will run you @50tl at the market near the Blue Mosque but I’m fine with ceramic since I’m using them for coasters.
Wool Socks (hand knitted): 20tl, I didn’t try to bargain here, I respected the woman sitting there on the sidewalk knitting them too much to do that. They are big and chunky and great for running around the house in.
Watercolor print (copy) of the Blue Mosque: 5tl.
Copper ring: 50tl, handmade by the guy I bought it from. It has a big red stone and I have no idea what it is. It’s not a ruby and I assume its dyed chalcedony but when I asked him he looked confused and said they call it “lulu” stone. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated as I bought a pair of earrings for my mom with the same stones.