Dear Under Armour:
First, let me tell you I love you. I really do. You have infiltrated my life and at any given moment I am wearing one of your products. They make me feel motivated to do better, be active, but most importantly they just look and feel good on me. I’m a medium in your shirts, by the way, which makes me feel awesome because my boobs make me an extra large in everything else I try on. Don’t even get me started on shirts with thumb holes. Precious. Your skinny little headbands are now a staple in my life until I have a major hair meltdown and chop it all off again. Your leggings are too damn expensive so I don’t have any of those yet, but I’m hoping to score some clearance rack shorts eventually.
But today let’s talk about panties – more specifically, your Pure Stretch Cheeky line. This topic is on my mind because I am wearing them right now. But green.
While in Baltimore recently it was imperative that I go to the UA store, the way a Catholic tourist in Rome has to go to Vatican City. Like you have to eat lobster rolls in Maine. Like one must drink a Hand Grenade, Voodoo, and Hurricane in New Orleans – before noon. I couldn’t find much I really needed that day (aka, not much was on sale) besides some headbands and I stumbled upon the superfun panties in the little boxes. On sale 3 for $30.00. Most people I know don’t spend $10 on a pair of panties so when the salesgirl asked if I needed help we discussed the pros and cons of both these and the Pure Stretch Cheeky Sheer. Long story short, I bought three pairs of Sheers and one of these regular gals. (Hey, I make questionable purchases when travelling.) But one thing that concerned me was the packaging that stated “One size fits all” with “all” crossed out and “athletes” added. The girl assured me my behind would fit in the sheers because they have a lot of give. She wasn’t as positive about the non-sheer pair (marketed as no panty line undies, because that’s what’s really super important to me when working out). I’m pointing out that we had the critical “will they or won’t they fit” conversation, because at 5″2″ /130 pounds, I really didn’t imagine it would be an issue. I didn’t think I needed that much “give”.
So…when I got back to my hotel I have to say the more I thought about the tag line on the packaging the more offended I was. And I continue to be offended every time I put on that non-sheer Pure Stretch pair which totally does NOT stretch as much as you would think it should for “all athletes”. Unless you think all athletes are those twiggy little size 4 things with thigh gaps and flat asses. Size does not an athlete make. I wish you would rethink that statement, because it’s kind of rude. Think of all the ladies out there kicking ass at their sport of choice, and how many awesome shapes and sizes they come in.
As for me, I’m going to keep wearing that pair because I paid $12 damn dollars for it (yes, $12 for one pair), even though it gives me overhang and reverse panty lines. Actually, it’s probably more accurate to call them ass lines if you think about it. They get worn under baggy skirts for that reason. And that’s my fault for guessing that maybe they might fit, since there’s really no size given other than that insulting line. But blissfully, I am in love with the Pure Stretch Sheers and plan to buy more pairs when I hit the lottery or get Christmas money.
So to sum up: I love you, most of your products make me feel good about myself, I can only afford clearance rack items, please stop making me feel bad about my abundance of ass.