I Want Bread Now (Well, like three hours from now)

Bread.

Fresh baked bread.  Is there anything better?  Really?

I’m sitting here trying to figure out what’s for dinner.  All I can come up with is spaghetti because I’m in a tomato sauce mood but we don’t have any bread to go with it.  Andy reminds me that we have hot dog buns that need to be used, so I can make garlic bread with them.  THIS SUGGESTION IS AN ABOMINATION.  I head to Pinterest.  There I am saved by finding a lead on a no-knead bread recipe from theitaliandishblog.com  – but even a no-knead, four ingredient bread recipe is too much for me because she starts talking about things like steam and baking stones and I just want some awesome bread that I don’t have to pay an arm and a leg for at Earth Fare.  But, I can make a big batch of this and keep it in the refrigerator to cut off a hunk when I want to bake.  So I have a plan and it involves cast iron instead of a baking stone and ignoring that steam action.  On second thought, I’ll try the steam thing; it’s not like I don’t have water and a pan.  Let’s see how badly this turns out.

For once I have everything I need!

I halved the original recipe and it looks like it will make 2 loaves.  I’m using:

1 packet of instant dry yeast

¾ tablespoon sea salt

1 ½ cup warm water

3 ¼ cups flour (I used half bread flour and half all-purpose)

Random amount of Mrs. Dash (I just thought it would be a nice addition, I’ll use more next time)

Once you start working with this, flour your hands well – it’s super sticky

Put yeast, sea salt, and Mrs. Dash in a large bowl.  Add warm water.  Throw in the flour and mix it until you don’t see any dry patches.  That’s it.  How easy is that?  I can do that.  Now it’s supposed to sit for at least two hours (or overnight in the fridge).  That’s where I cut corners today, because I want this done sometime close to dinner time.  I lasted about 90 minutes (and wonders of wonders, I actually saw that it got poofy!).  I took half and formed it into a ball and left it to rise again on well floured wax paper (@20 minutes) and put the other half in the fridge.  It’s in a bowl with a lid but I read not to snap the lid completely shut so gases can escape.  Or you can cover the bowl in plastic wrap with a small hole in it.

My skillet and dough almost ready for the oven.

Then I put the cast iron skillet (top rack) and empty cake pan in the oven and set it to 450.  The cake pan (bottom rack) is where the cup of water will go, to help steam the bread and give it a nice crust.  The problem with this is getting the dough in the skillet when it’s time without totally ruining and deflating it.  I didn’t do so well, but I did remember at the last minute to slash the loaf top a few times to be artsy and let gas escape.    This is supposed to help you not have misshaped bread, but I had that going on anyway at this point.    Bake for 30-35 minutes.   Remember to throw a cup or so of water in the cake pan.

Eureka!

Holy shitballs, I just made amazing bread.  Seriously.  I’m in a carb coma.  Turns out anything I did wrong didn’t matter.  True, I didn’t have a cute round boule but I had hot, crusty bread with my dinner and it was GOOD.  And I can tell this is a good basic dough to add things to, depending on your mood and what you have on hand.  Maybe garlic and cheese next time…

Saffron Buns with a Side of Necklace

As I type this, I have a pan of bright yellow saffron buns baking in the oven.  I hope I will be able to tell you that they are awesome!  (So far they look and smell great.) Saffron has always seemed to be the sexy and mysterious ingredient in the spice world and I’ve never cooked with it.  I’m also not sure what the big deal is, other than being time consuming to collect and dry so it is ridiculously expensive.  Exciting purchase at TJ Maxx in the strange and exotic discount food aisle – a gram of Spanish saffron for $7.  Thus, I bring you saffron buns.

Saffron - the Big Deal

You need:

• 1/2 teaspoon saffron strands (@ half my jar)
• 1 1/4 cups very warm milk
• 4 cups bread flour (or all-purpose but I used bread flour)
• 1 teaspoon salt

• 

  Because I am a dork, I am showing off my pink Himalayan salt (also from the TJ Maxx food aisle).

• 1/2 cup (1 stick) butter
• 1/4 cup light brown sugar
• 1 packet (2 1/4tsp or 7g or .25oz) instant dry yeast
• OPTIONAL ( I didn’t add this) – 2/3 cup dried fruit – but I don’t feel fruit has any place in baked goods with the exception of apple pie

BTW, the most awesome part of this recipe is that I get to use my IKEA mortar and pestle to grind the saffron and my pastry cutter that has probably never been used.

Grind the saffron and stir it into the hot milk.  Set aside for 30 minutes.

Saffron soaking in hot milk. Ew.

1. Combine the flour and salt in mixing bowl.  Cube butter and cut it into the flour with a pastry cutter or fork or two knives so the mix resembles coarse crumbs.
2. Stir in the sugar and instant yeast and add all of the saffron milk.
3. Knead by hand for 6 to 8 minutes or in a stand mixer for 3 to 5 minutes.  If you are adding fruit (ugh) do it here and knead some more until fruit is distributed through the dough.
4. Place the dough in an oiled or buttered bowl, cover with plastic wrap and set aside to rise at room temperature until doubled in size – @ 1 hour.  I put mine in the oven to keep it out of the way.  Do whatever your thing is to help dough  rise.  During this time, do the dishes and find something crafty to do.  For instance, I had plenty of time during this whole process to make a cool necklace with Peruvian opals and tourmaline.  Yeah, I’m pretty full of myself right now.
   

   New necklace! Tourmaline and Peruvian opals.

5. If your dough is in the oven, take it out and preheat to 350.  Shape the rolls by hand and place on a buttered baking sheet.  Cover the baking sheet with plastic and set aside to rise another 45 minutes or so.
   

   Little yellow raw buns.

6. Bake the rolls at 350 for 20-25 minutes, rotating the baking sheet once after 10 minutes.  Buns should be nicely brown.
   

   Ta DA!

Now, in the time it took me to type this up I have taken the buns out and managed to eat two.  I have success!  I’m not quite sure if the saffron is a big deal or not, but these are good buns and I think this is a good basic recipe if you wanted to experiment and try other flavors/themes.  It’s a sweet bread but not overly sweet like a dessert.  I’m pretty amazed because I love bread but any bread-like substance I ever try to make turns out heavy as a boulder.  These are not.  A cool necklace made and fresh bread.  I am the Queen of Everything.

King Cake, Complete with Disturbing Imagery

One day I will publish a cookbook titled “Things I Can Make that Don’t Taste Like Crap”.  Until then, I will post such things as this.

Since I’m coming down off my post-king cake sugar high I will not go into the history of king cake as I do not have the energy.  Someone else can pitch in if they want.  Suffice it to say, this bread/pastry has to do with Mardi Gras and the Carnival season which started on January 6th.  So we made this to celebrate it.  The recipe is kind of lengthy (compared to the  stuff I usually make) but hang in there.

Cake Ingredients:

1/4 cup water

1 cup whole milk

1/2 cup melted butter (1 stick)

1 large egg

1 tsp. vanilla

1/2 tsp. salt

1/2 cup white sugar

4 1/2 cup bread flour (1 1/4 lb.)

1 tbsp. vital wheat gluten

1 packet of yeast

1 tsp. cinnamon and dash of nutmeg (both optional)

In a bowl mix water, milk and egg.  Melt butter and add to mixture.  Mix completely.  Next add vanilla, salt, sugar, cinnamon and nutmeg.  As always, mix completely.

Add flour one cup at a time for the first three cups (mix after each one).  Add the last cup and a half with the wheat gluten and yeast, then mix until the dough pulls away from the sides and all dry ingredients are incorporated.

Grab another large bowl and coat it with oil.  Take dough and roll it around the oiled bowl until all sides are coated.  Cover bowl with plastic wrap and let sit in a warm location for two hours.

Filling Ingredients:

1 cup light brown sugar

1/4 cup melted butter

Mix these!  If you feel that’s not enough and you need more, we won’t judge.  Roll dough out on a lightly floured surface and spread your sugar mixture.

Rachel's shirt claims she's a saint. It's false advertising.

Fold dough (or roll) several times until you get a long tube of dough.  Now here’s the part I always suck at:  Connect the two ends of the dough, making sure there’s no seam.  Yeah right.

Place dough on a parchment covered baking sheet and once again cover with plastic wrap.  Let rise 45 minutes.

Makes one big cake or two mini ones.

After 45 minutes take a brush and cover the cake with milk, making sure to brush the sides as well as top.  Place cake in oven at 350 degrees for 35 minutes.  If your oven is crazy hot like my old one used to be, try 325 for 25 minutes.  If you don’t know if you have a crazy hot oven, you don’t.

Milked and ready for the oven (at last).

Icing Part One:

1/2 cup powdered sugar

7  tsp whole milk

This is a thin icing to pour over the whole cake as soon as it comes out of the oven.  Use all of the icing then let the cake cool at least 10 minutes.

CAUTION:  Here’s where we go from average cooking blog post and venture into WTF, which is where you have to go if you hang out with me.  I think only ladies can appreciate this next observation, and it may even be too much for some of you ladies so I apologize.  Once some things are read, they can’t be unread so tread carefully.  But it won’t stop me from saying it.  Once our little cake rings cooked and puffed up they looked like…a cervix.  Exactly like a giant cervix.  Ask me how I know that.  I dare you.

ANYWAY…in that case, there was only one place to hide the baby.

If this was in any way proportionate to real life, I'd almost consider having a baby.

Now for the final part – Icing Part Two:

1 cup powdered sugar

7 tsp whole milk

This icing is thicker but you can brush it on as well.  Add your purple, green and gold (okay yellow – Wal-Mart doesn’t carry gold) sprinkles.  Ta-Da!  This type of king cake is more like a bread, I know some are more like coffee cakes. To each his own, this is pretty tasty!

And yes, I'm using the awesome lobster feet platter.

I know what you’re thinking now.  It’s a purple, green and gold cervix.  And then we stuck candles in it for Rachel’s birthday.  You’re welcome.