While looking for a file at work, I realized just how overgrown all the drawers have become and how disorganized things are. So I start looking through all the junk I can throw out and get sidetracked by a folder from @1999 titled “funny emails”. (I used to print out and save forwarded e-mails that were funny? How sad. Now I don’t even open them.) In it is a list of 578 things that might make you a redneck.
Folks, you can’t escape it. You might even have married it. Embrace your inner redneck. I present to you the best of the best. What makes them the best? They either remind me of one (or several) of you, or eerily mirror my life (which I will admit to by bolding for full disclosure and your entertainment). Or it’s just way more funny than the usual incest and Deliverance jokes.
You’re probably a redneck if….
You’ve been too drunk to fish.
You’ve had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures. (My husband has a “technique” to flip said toothpick in his mouth whenever necessary.)
Your mother doesn’t remove the cigarette from her lips before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
Guests have accidentally drunk tobacco spit thinking it was iced tea. (This was a problem with my college friends who spit into Snapple iced tea bottles.)
You have spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass. (I WISH)
Your senior prom had childcare facilities. (It should have)
You have lost at least one tooth to a beer bottle. (I have CHIPPED a front tooth to a beer bottle, but not lost the whole thing – that counts.)
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. (There’s a freebie card!?!)
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your yard. (I think we know if I had a yard there would be a Bathtub Mary with flowers, don’t we?)
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions. (Oh yes, he has “work” caps and “dress” caps. This applies to cowboy boots as well.)
Skoal sends you a Christmas card. (And many coupons.)
You own at least 20 baseball caps. (If only it were just 20.)
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. (He does have a lot of belt buckles though.)
3/4 of your clothing has company logos on them. (3/4 might be pushing it – maybe 1/2.)
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers. (I am shocked to realize this applies to both of us in my house.)
You’ve been on TV describing what the tornado sounded like. (That would be AWESOME.)
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
You ever hit a deer with your car…on purpose.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines!” (It should be.)
You ever took a six pack to a job interview.
You ever put oil or antifreeze in your vehicle in a K-Mart parking lot. (WHAT? I have a high mileage car that takes long trips!)
You get mud on your tires when you visit your mom. (This used to apply to visiting my MIL before she moved off the mountain.)
Your bike has a gun rack on it.
You know how many bales of hay your car holds.
You’ve painted a car with house paint. (Well…spray paint and Rustoleum oil enamel)
You ever named a child after a dog. (Not yet – but I always thought a girl named Ruby would be nice. Don’t judge.)
Birds are attracted to your beard.
You’re afraid to wash your car because it may stop running. (In fact, my car DID stop running after I washed it once. It was a dead starter.)
Your idea of dressing up is putting on your other hat.
Truckers tell your wife to watch her language.
You have “dress” boots. (Yeah baby – the grey stingray boots!)
Your state name includes a direction.
Your CB antenna is taller than you. (No, but there is a CB antenna)
You’ve ever shot a deer from inside your house. (How about “Has your FIL ever accidently shot up the kitchen while cleaning a gun?”)
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
You’ve stolen pumpkins. (I do not steal pumpkins, but my husband is proud of never having bought a pumpkin. I am horrified by this.)
You come back from the dump with more than you took. (I can say this about trips to Goodwill.)
You’ve ever cleaned fish in your living room.
You’ve ever rolled your riding lawn mower.
You’ve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature. (Not with, but definitely OF the five legged cow.)
You own at least one shirt with the sleeves cut off. (He loves sleeveless shirts but I think they came sans sleeves.)
You weigh four pounds more after you find your keys. (Yes, yes he does. You never know when you need all the shed keys at a house you don’t live in. Wait, having several sheds should be it’s own joke here, shouldn’t it?)
Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
Your flashlight holds more than 4 batteries. (And we have more than one of those giant Mag-Lites.)
If your cooler is mostly full of deer head, with a shelf of Mountain Dew for the road trip…you might be a redneck.