Let me preface this with: I am terribly proud that you work out, no matter how sporadically you do it and how badly you are dressed for it. I am in no position to talk about fashion sense or your love handles, although I reserve the right to mock you for racewalking. But, if you could just agree to a few simple rules it would make my workout experience so much better. And it’s all about me you know.
1. Start with your entrance into the facility. Don’t let me catch you hitting the handicap button and waiting for the door to open. Consider opening the door on your own part of your warm-up routine, you lazy fuck.
2. Treadmill: if you are only going to walk on it, don’t waste time stretching. I don’t think you are at risk of pulling anything. If you are a man with size 13 feet, learn to run without slapping them down as violently as possible. I say this out of concern for your hips and knees. You’ll miss them when they’re gone.
3. I am so not interested in your flirting with the person trying to work out next to me. The volume on my iPod doesn’t go high enough to block out awkward small talk. Even Rob Zombie fails me here.
4. My iPod also fails to overcome you and your friend working out on either side of me. My high school track coach always said that if you can talk, you aren’t working hard enough. Feel that man’s wisdom. You make me daydream about what kind of Jackie Chan moves I could do to the both of you without missing a step on the elliptical machine.
5. Shower before working out if you must, but skip the perfume. It might be nice in small doses but I can’t take more than a few seconds of Britney Spears’ Curious seeping out of your pores.
Thank you. With your help I will lose 10 pounds.