Better Than A Stupid Puppy and Nobody Died

Andy used the Quiet Voice this morning.

The Quiet Voice freaks me out because it’s rarely used, and only then if something really serious has happened.  He had just hung up the phone so here I am thinking somebody died, when all he wanted was for me to look in the kitchen sink.  Then I got excited because maybe a baby alligator crawled out of the drain – it could happen.

“Is that a silverfish?”

I guess the Quiet Voice was in place so we wouldn’t spook the GIGANTIC HOUSE CENTIPEDE WITH A BAJILLION LEGS that was furiously trying to crawl out of the stainless steel sink.  Honestly, it was huge.  All those legs made it look furry.  Mr. Magoo could easily mistake it for a small kitten.  Suprizingly my first instinct was not to smush it.  Normally I would, but only because they usually come charging at me from the shower drain or behind the toilet and totally catch me off guard.  It’s like a five year-old who doesn’t understand that Hide-and-Seek isn’t an all day long kind of game.

OUR house centipede was far fancier with longer legs, but this photo I pulled off Wikipedia (by Bruce Marlin) does the trick of showing you what I'm talking about. I totally know you've killed at least one of these, because they are horrifying.

In this case Larry (I think he was named Larry) was looking kind of pathetic, wearing himself out trying to run up the sink and getting nowhere.  I felt bad for him.  Surely he didn’t get this big by being stupid and this is how things would end?  It didn’t seem right.  And then he did the cutest thing:  he stopped climbing and walked over to a water drop and starting drinking.  Seriously.  Like a fucking puppy.  Adorable.

This is the point where I realize I’ve lived in an apartment far too long – I’m thinking of house centipedes in pet terms.  Anyway, I told Andy to leave it alone since they eat all the bugs I hate – let’s see a puppy do that.  They’re like natural pesticide (whereas puppies need to be litter trained and dewormed and stuff).  As I was thinking about how I should take a picture of Larry lapping water so you all could understand his cuteness, Andy reported that he got him out of the sink and he ran under the stove (Larry, not Andy).  Probably a lot to eat under there.  Live well, darling house centipede, live well.


About deepfriedyankee

I am a parade of one. A seeker of bathtubmarys. A lover of Mardi Gras, bacon and marbles. I have the patience of a saint. A very, very flawed saint.
This entry was posted in college, Humor, Life and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Better Than A Stupid Puppy and Nobody Died

  1. Mandy says:

    Gross. That’s all I have to say about this.

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