Don’t Spend Money on Me When I’m Dead

Seriously, what’s with all the commercials scaring us about how much money a funeral costs? Where does all the cost come in here? Because if it’s stuff that people are pushing on to the bereaved to take advantage or make them feel guilty about refusing, y’all can keep it when I’m gone. These commercials piss me off and make me think of what’s really necessary.

Cremation, with no viewing (aka wake)
Combustible “alternative container” – basically a flannel/cardboard box.
Death certificate.

Am I forgetting anything? Honestly, there is no reason you have to pay a facility fee to set me out in a rented coffin for 2-3 days and pretty me up just so I can be incinerated. And don’t let them tell you it’s required to buy one of their overpriced urns. Take me in what comes from the crematorium and put me in whatever or wherever you want. I am sterile and pose absolutely no health hazards at that point, for the first time in life.

Have a memorial service if you must in a nice park led by one of any number of friends who are ordained Internet ministers. Then have a pot luck picnic with good music and lots of laughter. You won’t need an obituary in a paper either – social media gets the word out just fine and in record time.

Some might think that’s terrible, but I don’t see the sense in adding to the living’s pain by dragging this out and causing them a huge bill. That isn’t required of you to show your love for me, I promise. I’m not judging you from beyond. Not unless you let my husband wear one of those tacky, button-down, short sleeved plaid shirts of his.

About deepfriedyankee

I am a parade of one. A seeker of bathtubmarys. A lover of bacon. I have the patience of a saint - but not any of the saints you've ever heard of.
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5 Responses to Don’t Spend Money on Me When I’m Dead

  1. Love this and you make so much sense. I think these expensive funerals are more for those who are left behind than those that are gone. It’s a market that many have tapped into and are making loads of it and it’s all unnecessary.

  2. Mandy says:

    I think there needs to be a New Orleans style funeral march at least, because I think that’s awesome. But I agree. No endless Catholic wakes, no open casket grossness, don’t need an expensive box, and I do not want to be buried. I don’t want to be kept on anyone’s mantle anyway. I want everyone who wants a piece of me to take a bit and sprinkle me somewhere that meant something to us. With one caveat, however. I do want part of me to wind up in New Orleans, and I wouldn’t mind a bit being in Louis #1, but NOT near Marie Laveaux. I’m way too superstitious to be comfortable with that.

  3. MaryHS says:

    I came over here from thebloggess and have to say this is SO much my opinion.

    I want a rousing chorus of Bill Staines’ “I Bid You Goodnight”… and I’m thinking maybe dumping my ashes into a nice pit ringed with rocks like the Vikings did at Aalborg. Maybe throw in a few of my historic re-enactment geegaws to freak out the 24th century archaeologists.

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